lmao

I've been away for so long and upon my return have automatically slipped back into my old ways, writing a massive journal entry here then accidently clicking a link (or doing any number of other things) which leads to the entire, well thought out and eloquently written entry being lost in cyber space.

lmao

Seriously, I put actual effort into that! There were even a couple of rewrites after having been deep in psychoanalytical and philsophical thought! LOL the only element remaining is the subject of the post LOL the least relevant part.

Lucky I'm a hedonistic fatalist. I want to throw 'realist' in there too, but I think that could possibly be redundant. now i want to read.
 

re·al·ism   /ˈriəˌlɪzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ree-uh-liz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

With that in mind, and considering that I believe reality is what you make of it - subjective.... everyone could claim to be a realist... I identify with no. 2 - I'm certainly more interested in abstract concepts I wonder where my dadaist outlook would fit in!

he·don·ism    /ˈhidnˌɪzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[heed-n-iz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

 he·don·ism   Audio Help   (hēd'n-ĭz'əm)  Pronunciation Key  n. 
1.Pursuit of or devotion to pleasure, especially to the pleasures of the senses.
2.Philosophy The ethical doctrine holding that only what is pleasant or has pleasant consequences is intrinsically good.
3.Psychology The doctrine holding that behavior is motivated by the desire for pleasure and the avoidance of pain.

hedonism [(heed-n-iz-uhm)] In ethics, the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the highest good in life. Some hedonists, such as the Epicureans, have insisted that pleasure of the entire mind, not just pleasure of the senses, is this highest good.

                                                                           Im an Epicurean!

Fa·tal·ism   /ˈfeɪtlˌɪzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[feyt-l-iz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

Fatalism Fa"tal*ism\, n. [Cf. F. fatalisme.] The doctrine that all things are subject to fate, or that they take place by inevitable necessity. 

What will be will be.

Da·da or da·da  (dä'dä)  Pronunciation Key 
n.   A European artistic and literary movement (1916-1923) that flouted conventional aesthetic and cultural values by producing works marked by nonsense, travesty, and incongruity.

da·da /ˈdɑdɑ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[dah-dah] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation  –noun (sometimes initial capital letter)

There must be an excellent way of stringing all these descriptions into one quantifying statment. I'll figure that out another day.  Any ideas?

Sometimes I come back and read what I’ve written and it makes me laugh. So dramatic. Kind of like a poem. Mmm, amateur poetry. Few do I love more.

 
things that have happened:
I went to Coota, to Penrith.. got tricked into going shopping in sydney city – YUCK
bought a cool shirt and will wear it to all interviews, ever.

Jess came down – twice
fun times with lucas, colin, glamour whore and the dag – both of whch involved to intake of farrr tooo mucchh alcohol – hangovers REALLY don’t interest me.
interviews, many this week

things that haven’t that really shoulda:
(1) sureslim
(2) medicare card
(3) organise time/plan to see rhys (still no idea how or when im gunna be able to wolfski, i really really want to come see you though. I wish you lived in Canberra! Or I could teleport)
(4) employment

im really rather tired. im writing in white font on a white background, happened by accident... and i cant be bothered to change it. wasted today, so sore. movies tonght? no, no...  think not..

im confused about alot of things, but that tends to happen easly. im also developing a really explosive temprement. im not sure if its the boredom, the lack of things im doing (mthough ive been actively doing more, my room is near, bar for asthetics, organised.) or just the fact that things are bothering me are actually enough to be bothered by. perhaps im changing, not enough patience to remain how i was before. either way, im having trouble stomaching people, and although i have my reasons, why certain people arnt my favourite at any one  and believe them, i still dont really understand why this all seems to be happening at once. i guess thats the way it goes.im also really feeling the pressure. i just need to sort myself out before i can start thinking of others, lending them my attention, time and patience. i really really do. smothered flame.sometimes i think ill have to dissapear for a while to do it. im going to WA very soon... but will i still go if i am sucessful in any of the positions ive applied for? will i be able to? sigh. cross that bridge if we come to it - i bet i dont get to go to WA though. i bet i get a job and no cool family trip that ive been looking forward to for the last 8 or 9 months now. i will be happy for the job.

been up since 5am.
have a really ridiculously itchy patch just beside my armpit, thought it was going to develop into a rash a week or so ago, but it didnt.
ian told me about a cool cemetry with a giant 2.5m angel statue, i wanna go see it.
overcast, glowing, blinding day.
think i might have experienced my first migrane last night, threw up and everything, ouch. i know this is gross.. but white foam? is that normal?
to the doctors i will go.

family arrives soon, 2 hours
theyll take me away, far far away
well, 1 hour 30 mins away

Been a while since i updated... It’s also been a while since I’ve been able to connect to the internet, urgh! Frustration! Makes it kind of difficult to keep up my job application quota but 15 applications later and think I’ve made up for last weeks gap today alone.

I lost my phone again over the weekend. Hopefully it will show up, as it tends to.

I’m behind, so behind at the moment. So many people left contacted, unseen. I was supposed to catch up with a friend this weekend but was caught up with another group and didn’t get there. Same thing happened Sunday which is disappointing because we had planned to go to the national gallery. Perhaps I need to plan to do less. If I had a car and the ability to drive it, it would be so much easier to see people/do what I need to do. I was about to say id be a more efficient person if I had a car... but I’m not sure that’s correct. I’d be more able, sure. Which would lead to being more social and better organised.

I need to call Rhys but I don’t have his number. He’s asked me to help him design an RPG. I tried drawing a little and failed...  I don’t know that I actually have the ability to help. I’ve never been very good at drawing on request. Perhaps time spent fooling around with graphics programmes might prove advantageous...  however, I need to speak to Rhys!

I’ve got appointments and interviews all over this week – including Sureslim – mmm bring on the seed-breakfasts and water only drinking diets, this weekend the only plans i have so far are bourbon with the dag... but being that he is master of maybes I won’t hold my breath. Mum and Nan may be coming over for Mothers Day on Sunday but that depends on the weather. I may head back to Coota next week or when Jess goes back to Sydney after her visit on the 15th. Thats all ive got on my plate for the next while...

I need to catch up with Tom or at least make plans to see him (this week or next) sometime this week. I like Tom, randomly encountering people like him makes me happy. Maybe i can also see him this weekend. I need my CDs from Lucas and I'd like to see Matt one day/night this week, just he and I.

Amos needs the computer so I’m going to have to cut it short. This feels like an entry which only skims the surface, devoid of feeling. Mechanic. I’ll have to blab it out in another entry, perhaps tomorrow. Before i forget. 

one quick note, with all this cold ive come to realise that i really really dislike hot air. as in.. saunas, heaters... esp heaters on public transport... i feel like im suffocating - its kinda gross. That said: If i need to go to sleep all i have to do is turn a heater on.

~xx

Appointments missed.

The weekend, although an enjoyable one, again reminded me why I think I need to leave here relatively soon. Either that or seriously shake things up. I don’t know how it came about but I feel as though no matter what movement forward or sideways I make nothing will change, nothing can change. Sort of like being trapped in a spiders web… or wet sand… a tar pit… Its probably in my mind, realistically I’m sure its just a matter of will power or preferences… perhaps secretly I don’t want anything to change…  the power of the mind is pretty awesome.

Related to that feeling was a dream I had at some point, probably Friday night. I dreamt the world was felt and flat against a wall and I couldn’t stick to it. Multicolored characters tore across the furry felt, literally, to help me but all in vain. I just kept sliding off and all the while they attempted to help me they were tearing their world apart. It was strangely.. horrific, considering it was all about felt. Who has felt nightmares? Seriously? Wtf is THAT about?

Another reoccurring dream I’ve been having is that of red balloons, sunrises, sunsets and mountain tops. The sky is red with balloons and their dangling strings and we’re all standing along the mountains as the sun rises admiring them. Someone grabs a string and floats upward, another does the same. Pretty soon everyone is grabbing their balloon string and floating off in any ole’ direction. It looks pretty hectic, but beautiful.. the view from the mountains is inspiring and around us there is nothing but green grass. As one person leaves the mountain another takes his place. Of course, I cant seem to grab my string. The highest I get is a few feet, once, the balloon pops and I fall to the ground. I am aware of this happening to other people. Each time my hand closes around a string the wind so easily slips it out again. If I chase, the balloon knowingly maneuvers around me and is lifted up into the sky. Morning becomes midday and im still standing on the mountain, dripping with sweat and frustrated. The scene looks less wonderful, burnt by the sun the grass has withered and died. There are less people now, but its still a constant flow. The day draws closer to an end and I look forward to the sunset as motivation for the beginning of my second wind – my sucess, but it never arrives, day is suddenly night and i realize I’m alone, the sky also empty but for a few flailing feet in the distance. 

The pleasant view becomes one highlighted by an eerie moon, the trees which once looked like a welcoming green landing pad now seem to be shaking and swaying, dropping their leaves and growing to twice their size. Their branches cold skeletal hands whose nails drag across my face as I begin to run. My skin rips, the blood, wind and sweat combine and burn my eyes, i wipe them. I wake up.

These dreams are making me feel pretty desperate, as though I need to act sooner rather than later. That things need to happen immediately, that I’m running out of time. I’m struggling to combine the way I want to live with the way I have to/need to live. I suppose that’s nothing particularly unique – but the idea of never feeling satisfied or content is really starting to play on my mind. And I don’t know how much I will be able to sacrifice in order to reach some kinda compromise. Basically I really need to figure out what it is I love and work as hard as I can toward doing that… and I don’t imagine that I will be satisfied until I have at least started along this path… I can make as many plans as I want to, and im sure that if I followed any of them they would work so far as to provide me with money, a career, entertainment… and some degree of happiness. I don’t expect to ever 100% happy, satisfied, content. But it HAS to be at least 90%. Otherwise there’s just… no point. I'm feeling alot of self inflicted pressure, which is hard to relieve when you solidly believe in what, well, you believe. plus doing stupid things such as not waking up when your alarm goes off...

As I sit here reading this the only thing that comes to mind is “I have too much spare time”.  Alas, that’s the way it is. Bored, frustrated. Bored some more. Even if I do spend the day doing things others dream of being able to spend their time doing i.e whatever they want instead of going to work… I am so over it. Even if I HAD the money to be a professional bum, I don’t think I would be. BORED.

Jess (syd) was down from Thur to Sun, it was good doing absolutely nothing with her. Alleviated the boredom a little :P. Not only that, she is fun to hang around with, very easy to get along with. I like easy. Easy is good. Easy to talk to too, although, sunday was a particularly chatty day for me. i was stuck in memory lane, further thinking on various topics has also been interesting (that is perhaps cryptic but this journal is 85% for my own benefit anyway) Also saw Matt and Jess (Can), have not seen my brother in a while… 2 weeks, lol. I guess that’s only because I used to see these guys almost everyday. Kate also dropped in for a brief visit, its nice to see her, id like to see her more – I don’t know her too well but I have a feeling we’d get along great.

We watched slugs fucking (among other things). David Attenborough (sp?) Attenburugh? You all know who I mean. Seriously -  Check it out. It is amazing. Matt and Jess (Can) had told me about it time and time again, and I had my doubts… but no. It MUST be seen to be believed. 

Anyways, I have SO many interviews tomorrow now… well, three. I missed them today due to sleeping… thankfully I’m a fantastic liar as well as sincerely apologetic so tomorrow is the day. Public service interviews are so tiring and boring and lame and stupid. And pointless; no matter how many I attend BING I’m still unemployed. Its not magic.  Im repeatedly told its never because I give a bad interview, I coming in second, or over experienced or insertbullshitlameexcuse. Maybe they’re fantastic liars too.

Of course they are, it’s the public service. Sigh.

I watched a show on SBS last night about Stephen Hawking/black holes/physics. Its not the first time that ive really, really wanted to learn or explore or... whatever it is you do to physics. When i was in highschool the teachers told me i should choose Physics, of course, it looked like too much effort so i did Music instead. probably worked out for the best, i have no idea of my ability in relation to Sciences, although i was always awesome at Chemistry... come late highschool i decided to go the easy option and study Art instead... thats really the only time ive come across Sciences apart from when i worked at Questacon -  the urge to study it began to play on my mind. obviously didnt follow through, though.

~xx

For most the day draws nearer to ending, for me the second half has only just begun. 

Yesterday afternoon my flatmates + flatmates brother dragged me kicking and screaming into the lounge room for an EPIC 50 turn game of Mario Party. I had my reservations before joining the game, knowing full well that Mario Party isn’t a particularly enjoyable game for an impatient brat such as myself... after all… sometimes it can take ten minutes (slight exaggeration..)  until you’re even needing to hold your controller. I digress. It CAN be an annoying game but this time the only annoying element was the fact we were playing it for almost 5 hours and STILL didn’t reach the end!

Anyhow, Mario Party was played until around 1.30am after which we all decided a "quick" game of Guitar Hero 3 was called for. Such fools, there is NO such thing as a QUICK game of Guitar Hero. My tired little head didn’t reach any of my ten pillows until well into the am. Though I can hardly complain, as I couldn’t sleep and watched the end of an anime series I’ve had my head stuck in over the last few days - Full Metal Alchemist (3.5 outta 5 Becstar's) – and the end of Batman Begins (possibly my least favourite Batman out of them all – points for the trippy blue flower-poison, though)

I woke soon after, around 9, unable to go back to sleep. So up I jumped and cleaned the kitchen - at least - the parts I’m allowed to clean. We still have remnants of the fire from nearly 3 months ago - what a joke. We also need our oven fixed and our heating system needs to be reconnected or replaced or fuck knows. If I owned this property i would be absolutely disgusted with its management... as it is... the property managers inadequacy generally works in our favour, what with late payments and easy-enough-to-secure lease in a time where rental property are few. This would also shit me as the owner – what’s the point of having investments if you’re not seeing the $$$... I don’t think anyone is particularly happy with how it’s working out atm. Including the Real Estates temperamental Irish handyman who calls me every so often asking what the heck is going on – like I have the answers.

I’ve also applied for 3 jobs today and scored another 2 interviews for Thursday – after one needed to reschedule. I now have 3 interviews on Thursday, one next Monday. I’m so bored these days I’d do anything they’d ask me to.

I was supposed to catch up with a friend today, Tom, but when our unreliable powers combine its really no surprise that it didn’t happen. I hope to see him again, someday, he’s the coolest new person I’ve met in a looooooooong time and I really enjoy his company! It’s refreshing to meet someone with whom I am instantly comfortable.

Tomorrow Jess arrives again, which will be really cool, I’m really looking forward to it!        

~xx

Alllrigghty

So clearly I’ve decided to start a new blog, I’ll leave the old one where it is – yet another whingey, whiney ghost of mine hiding amongst the shadows of cyberspace… I’m probably not even aware of how many blogs and profiles and accounts I own… hopefully most of them have disappeared by now.

I do know, and will share, these two though – www.o0-b-0o.deviantart.com and http://postpoems.com/members/oucjies. From my younger and more creative days… I like to keep those links around, it’s a kind of inspiration.

My days are filled with job hunting, planning, questioning the plans, hope and I suppose some kind of faith. A lot of well overdue thinking too. Some of it wasted –  last week I was stuck on questioning the differences (technically, philosophically… the social impact thereof) between incest/homosexual relationships… and I’m still not satisfied with the answer…

As for my NEW and IMPROVED lifestyle well, the changes are meandering along just fine. One minor hiccup over the weekend but apart from that I think I’m doing alright, for now. Small steps.  I’m hardly drinking, and not just for the lack of funds :P.

Being more active and I suppose taking better care of myself in terms of spending time doing things I love is making a gigantic difference to how I feel day to day – amazing, huh. Who woulda thought.

I’m also thinking of leaving Canberra. I seem to have hit a wall here and I’m not sure I can change any further without moving on. I’ve wanted to leave for quite sometime, really. My friends are the only reason I hang around.

Ill see YOU tomorrow.

~xx